As of late, I've been constantly bringing myself down into this little bubble of depression. Subconsciously, of course. But, my mind just seems to pick a depression topic and tries to hold onto it as long as it can. Which has lasted up for days.
What bugs me more that just the depression, is the topic it mostly seems to revolve around. Relationships. Constantly, I think about the relationships between friends, and, more often, between boyfriend and girlfriend.
I suppose it is my wantingness for a male friend of my own. I find myself getting ubber attached to, pretty much any male that talks to me. Even over the internet. It's like I'm constantly looking for someone to be with.
But, looking back on my past self, I notice I'ce done this in the past. But not to the extent of this. It has become so bad, that I've started to hate people in relationships, or with the possibility of being in one. I curse them. Even the ones closest to me. But, in this hatred, sadness is created. So I stop cursing them, only to belittle myself. That, the reason I have no one of my own is simply because I don't have any qualities that someone could like over an extended period of time. They would tire of my quickly.
Even more so because of my looks. Truly there is not much there to look at. Sure, I may have some kind of charm to my face, or something. But nothing too much to desire in a woman. Such as me, anyways.
And the fighting they would have to do just to keep me. Most men would tire of the game after so long. They would give up to leave me be. Maybe think I'm playing them. Just, self consciousness gets to me. I'm not good enough for them. They deserve better. My insecurities of becoming too close to someone.
I have noticed myself pushing people away if I feel they're getting too close. I suppose trying to make it easier on myself to take the pain of when they stop talking to me.
Constantly having to put confidence in me that I am good enough for them and that they wont just disappear from me, is a work that most men wouldn't put up with.
Yet, some people find him. I envy the lucky ones.